Monday, April 28, 2008

Disgusting but oh so funny!!

If you are offended by this, I am so sorry. I had tears rolling down my face after reading this - just thought everyone deserves a laugh!!

---------------

I went grocery shopping recently while not beingAltogether sure that said course of action was a wise one.You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumeda massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely goingto mess yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to thepoint of being painful, which comes with a writtenguarantee from me that if you eat the next day both ofyour butt cheeks WILL fall off.Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and evenafter two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean)nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despitehabanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinaltract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morningsymphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunderand lightning.Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sureof when, I bravely set off for the market; a localWal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search oftasty tidbits.Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. Iselected a cart and began pushing it about dropping itemsin for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite endof the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh,don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talkingabout. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain thatalways seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is,this pain was different.The habaneras in the chili from the night before werestaging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bulliedtheir way through the small intestines, forcing their wayinto the large intestines, and before I could take onestep in the direction of the restrooms which would bringsweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warningshot.There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle,suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of whichhas never before been recorded. I was afraid to move forfear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly,oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower partof my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as anelderly woman turned into it.I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium thatrefused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.Have you ever been torn in two different directionsemotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of youat least will be able to relate.I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simplywatched as she walked into an invisible, and apparentlyindestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all shecould do before gathering her senses and running, was tostand there blinking and waving her arms about her head asthough trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course,made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things"clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each newguffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my netherregion. Some were so loud and echoing that I was latertold a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someonewas robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and Iraced off through the store towards the restrooms, layingdown a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make itbefore the grand Mal assplosion took place.Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to thejohn, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above thetoilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging.One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middleof what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made agagging sound, and disgustedly said, " Oh my God!", thenquickly left.Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partiallyfilled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when astore employee approached me and said, "Sir, you mightwant to step outside for a few minutes. It appearssome prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. Themanager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minuteor two which ought to take care of the problem."That of course set me off again, causing residual gases toescape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped backpulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at mein an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran offreturning moments later with the manager. I wasunceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked nonetoo kindly not to return.Home again without having shopped, I realized that therewas nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed twomore bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. Ican't say anymore about that because we are in court overthe whole matter. They claim they're going to have torepaint the store.

2 comments:

heidi baldini said...

LMAO!!! This is too funny girl!!!!
tfs!

Stacey said...

OHHHH my goodness!!!!! hee hee LOL!!! ROTF!!!!